Look. I get it. You’re here because you’ve spent 3 hours scrolling TikTok for “unique boyfriend gifts” and all you’ve found are LED beer mugs and another “World’s Best Boyfriend” hoodie. Let’s skip the fluff. Last week, I watched a woman at Walmart wrestle a life-sized cardboard cutout of Ryan Reynolds into her cart while muttering, “He’ll love this.” Spoiler: He won’t. Let’s save your dignity, yeah?
The Struggle: “Do Men Even Like Gifts?”
I used to think men were simple. Buy them a six-pack and call it a day. Then I dated a guy who cried when I gifted him a Star Wars Lego set. Turns out, he’d wanted the Millennium Falcon, not the X-Wing. Who knew? Now I’m convinced Valentine’s gifts for men are a social experiment designed to break us.
Storytime: My friend Lena once bought her bf a personalized whiskey decanter with his initials. He used it to store motor oil. Romance isn’t dead—it’s just confused.
The Products: From “Basic” to “Why Is This a Thing?”
Forget cufflinks. Let’s get weird.
1. The “Dad Bod” Sweater ($69)
A knit monstrosity that says “Proud Member of the Dad Bod Squad” in Comic Sans. Pair it with socks that say “Yes, I’m Taken. No, You Can’t Have My Fries.” Why? Cuz subtlety is dead, and we’re dancing on its grave.
Why Buy It: He’ll wear it once… to breakup with you.
2. NFT Gym Membership ($199)
For the crypto bro who’s allergic to actual exercise. Buy him a digital gym pass where he can “mine gains” while eating Cheetos. Comes with a pixelated dumbbell and a Discord server full of trolls.
Pro Tip: If he dumps you, sell the NFT to his Reddit nemesis. Profit!
3. “DIY Beef Jerky” Kit ($45)
Because nothing says “I love you” like dehydrated meat. Includes a How to Avoid Salmonella pamphlet and a sticker that says “Jerky Bae.”
Bonus: If he screws it up, you’ll both spend Valentine’s Day in the ER. Memories!
4. AI-Generated Love Letter ($0… but your soul)
Use ChatGPT to write a poem titled “Ode to Your Mediocre Guitar Skills.” Print it on parchment paper, sprinkle with glitter, and watch him pretend to care.
Risk: The AI might accidentally roast his receding hairline. RIP.
5. “Gamer Tears” Energy Drink ($24/case)
A neon-blue concoction that claims to “enhance reflexes” and “mask the taste of regret.” Comes in flavors like Mountain Dew: Breakup Edition and Doritos Dust.
Real Talk: He’ll chug it while ignoring you for Call of Duty 2077.
The Irony: “He’s Impossible to Shop For!”
Here’s the kicker: Men aren’t complicated. They’re just… lazy. My ex once said his dream gift was “a nap.” So I gift-wrapped my couch and called it a day. He proposed. (We broke up.)
Reality Check: If you’re stuck, check out my Valentine’s gifts for girlfriends guide for inspo. Swap the CBD bath bombs for protein powder. Boom.
The Trap: When “Thoughtful” Becomes “Creepy”
Valentine’s Day walks a fine line between romantic and restraining order. Example: That “Open When…” letter kit? Cute, until he finds “Open When You’re Questioning Our Relationship” stuffed with your childhood photos.
Contradiction Alert: I used to think personalized gifts were sweet. Then I bought a guy a custom bobblehead that looked more like Shrek than him. He ghosted. Fair.
The Fix: Embrace the Chaos
The best gift I ever gave? A mystery box filled with expired coupons, a rubber chicken, and a note: “This is us.” He laughed so hard he snorted LaCroix. We’re married now.
2025 Twist: Try a “Worst Gift Ever” exchange. Winner gets takeout. Loser does the dishes. Love is war.
The Products to Avoid (Unless You’re a Sociopath)
- Engraved Pocket Knife ($89): “Stab me in the heart, not the back.” Too poetic?
- “Couples’ Crypto Wallet” ($299): Because nothing bonds you like shared financial ruin.
- Love Potion Perfume ($60): Smells like desperation and Bath & Body Works clearance.
PSA: And if you’re feeling petty, here’s a list of what not to get your ex. (Spoiler: Saltier than his League of Legends chat.)
The Silver Lining: It’s Not About the Gift
Let’s be honest: Valentine’s Day is a glorified Hallmark heist. But buried under the pressure is a dumb, beautiful truth—you’re trying. Even if “trying” means gifting him a screaming goat plushie.
Pro Tip: Text him right now: “What’s your love language? Mine is sarcasm.” His answer? Gold.
Final Word: Just… Don’t Overthink It
Buy the jerky. Skip the NFT. Or don’t. But show up. Laugh when he wears the Dad Bod sweater ironically. Roast him when he inevitably buys you chocolates he wants to eat. That’s the stuff.